So, maybe you’ve heard about Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest venture and maybe you haven’t: she’s hawking jade vagina eggs, online. WTF? Yes, wtf, vagina eggs.
Paltrow’s website GOOP is selling these dandies for $66 a pop. They are reported to be 1-to-2 inches in length, green and furthermore, made entirely of stone.
What kind of happy pills is Paltrow on? (First of all, who names their site ‘GOOP’? And really, vaginal paraphernalia?)
Anyways, the eggs aren’t any good for making omelets, but they ARE said to improve your sex life and to “cultivate sexual energy”.
They can also “increase orgasm, balance the cycle, (maybe we’re talking periods here?) stimulate key reflexology around vaginal walls, tighten and tone, prevent uterine prolapse, increase control of the whole perineum and bladder, develop and clear chi pathways in the body, intensify feminine energy, and invigorate our life force. To name a few!”
Apparently, it’s all about jing and Chinese energy and taking away vaginal “negativity”.
But let’s look at some regular life here on Earth. Really, all these devices do is place some weight on your vagina, which forces it to react. Weight lifting for your nonnie. Perhaps it’s like doing massive Kegels.
The site says that the egg can sit in a woman’s vagina while she sits, stands, walks, does the dishes, lays down the law, fights fires and tries to rule the world one vote at a time. Okay, so I added some examples.
What are the risks associated with placing a heavy piece of green rock up your twat all day? Besides, perhaps, feeling too much like Gwyneth Paltrow?
Dr. Jen Gunter, a Canadian gynecologist warns that the eggs could give you deadly toxic shock syndrome as bacteria accumulates in your body. Nice.
She also warns that women aren’t meant to keep their pelvic floor tightened for long periods of time. It could actually lead to more painful sex. Double nice. Thanks, Paltrow. Rock the house.